“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.”
For some, Valentine’s Day is a nice holiday. It’s filled with roses, chocolate, nice dinners, romance, and most of all, love.
For me, it’s just a reminder of how single I really am. You see, I pictured my life very different than what it is. Growing up I dreamed of marrying “the one” and having a cute house and then starting a family. I figured I’d be married by 23, have kids by 25, and live happily ever after. My fairy tale, sadly, has not come true. In fact, it’s pretty much the exact opposite.
I’ve had two serious relationships, one from age 16-20, and another from age 20-23. The first one I knew he wasn’t who I wanted to marry, so when he asked I said no. I was only 20 years old and I felt that I wasn’t ready. Remember, in my life plan, I wanted to marry at 23. The second relationship was so much different than the first. I loved him more than anything in the world and I just knew that we’d get married someday. As that relationship went on, it became more clear to me that I was looking towards marriage and he was looking for his freedom.
Sadly, we broke up. That breakup literally crushed me. I was broken for a very long time. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve been through. People use the term rock bottom, well that was my rock bottom. I cried often, I felt alone, I didn’t have any friends, and I was depressed. I remember I could hardly get through most days without calling my mom crying. I gained a lot of weight and I felt terrible about myself.
About two years ago, at age 25 and 1/2, I finally started to recover. Recover from my loss, from my breakup, from the hurt and pain I had been through. I finally had accepted the fact that it wasn’t meant to be with the ex-boyfriend. I finally got to the point where I didn’t need to know what he was doing. I didn’t need to Facebook stalk him anymore (haha, yeah I did that). I didn’t need to talk to him regularly. I was healing.
As I was moving on with my life after that relationship, I couldn’t help but think about how my weight affected it. He was pretty vocal about me being overweight and how he wanted me to change that. A lot of our arguments stemmed from my weight. He felt like I was choosing fast food over him, and I was. And I couldn’t change. I loved him so much and I still chose food over our relationship. I chose food over being happy. I chose food over getting married. And as long as I chose food, he wasn’t going to choose me.
At this point, I was angry with myself for letting my actions cost me someone I loved. It took until I was 26 and 1/2 to finally decide that I needed help to move past this hurdle in my life. I started going to a therapist every week to talk about things in my life. I talked a lot about my relationship and everything that had happened. It really helped me heal even more. I finally got to a place where I was content with the fact that I’m alone.
So yes, as I said in the beginning of this post, Valentine’s Day does remind me that I’m single. And I’m ok with that now. I’m focusing solely on me and I don’t have time for a guy in my life right now. When I DO meet the one, I want to be happy and healthy and I want him to have the best version of myself. And I’m getting there. And I know I’ll meet him someday, and I’ll have so much more to offer him than I would have in the past. And all of the pain and hurt I went through in the past will all be worth it, because it will make me a stronger, better person in the end.